CreatureScape-2006 in Review

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2006 in Review--The Best and Worst of 2006 in Horror, Sci-fi and Fantasy by John Stevenson Well fright-fans, another year has come and gone, and once more I’m given to introspection as I sit here among the debris of a successful holiday season.
And as is my wont, I naturally look back over the past year in the horror, science-fiction, and fantasy genres we love so much. We’ve seen good movies, we’ve seen mediocre movies, and God knows we’ve seen bad movies. We’ve said good-bye to some old friends, hello to some new ones, and generally ignored the rest.
With the holidays now behind us, and as the embers fade on 2006, let’s begin the New Year as we began the old… with a nice stiff scotch in hand. And let’s take a collective look back on the year that was, and crown all that was good, bad, and ugly. This was a year that gave us remake after remake, continuing the trend of the past few years. THE HILLS HAVE EYES, THE OMEN, and THE WICKER MAN were all redone for 2006, with mixed results. Nor were sequels ignored, as FINAL DESTINATION 3, THE GRUDGE 2, SAW III and others continued franchises that for the most part deserve a quiet, ignominious death. It was a year in which we bid good-bye to an icon of Television Horror, as well as an old friend from Mayberry; and celebrated the birth of another Horror icon, a man who was fifteen years old when Karloff first breathed life into Mary Shelly’s unholy creation. We saw an Internet frenzy as bloggers fought to keep a movie’s title unchanged, when they should’ve been fighting to change the movie itself. We watched as Disney became a major force in genre filmmaking, as a band of pirates flying the Mouse’s colors pillaged its way through the competition like a Monty Python skit. And we saw the return of the Man of Steel in a big way, as Superman was suddenly hot again. It was a year of ups and downs in the genre; but generally, we leave 2006 in better shape than we entered it, which is always a good thing. Join me, as I dissect the year that was, and get us ready for the year that will be. But before we begin: As I stated last year in the 2005 in Review column, these are my opinions, not the editor’s. Feel free to disagree with me, but don’t bug him about it… or me either, because frankly, I just don’t care to hear it. Now, on with the show.
1. Best DVD Release: a. DRACULA / FRANKENSTEIN 75^th Anniversary Editions—(Universal Home Video) b. KING KONG—(2005) 3-Disc Deluxe Extended Edition—(Universal Home Video) c. Hollywood’s Legends of Horror—(Warner Home Video) d. INNER SANCTUM Mysteries Collection—(Universal Home Video) e. GOJIRA: The Original Japanese Masterpiece—Two Disc Collector’s Set—(Classic Media) f. Planet of the Apes: The Ultimate DVD Collection—with Ape Head Packaging—(20^th Century Fox)
This year saw another bumper crop of excellent DVD’s brought forth, with Classics once again getting long-overdue attention. Universal continued to mine the depths of its treasure vaults, sending out several notable releases. Among these was the long-awaited INNER SANCTUM Mysteries Collection. The INNER SANCTUM series was a continuation of the popular radio program of the same name, and was comprised of six short films released between 1943 and 1945. All starred Lon Chaney Jr. in the lead role, and are, frankly, not the best films in Universal’s catalog. Still, these are some of the few Universal Horrors that had thus far eluded my efforts to add to the collection, and to have such standard programmers receive such attention bodes well for other long-neglected classics.
Two classics that haven’t been neglected lately are the twin Titans of Universal’s pantheon of horror, DRACULA and FRANKENSTEIN. A bare two years after the release of the superb Legacy sets, 2006 marked the 75^th anniversaries of both films, and for once, Universal decided to give the monsters their just due.
The Anniversary Editions of both films are spectacular, from the myriad bonus features to the beautifully designed and executed Digipak cases. The DRACULA Edition contains both the Tod Browning version starring Bela Lugosi, and the George Melford-directed Spanish language version, which starred Carlos Villarias. Both movies were shot simultaneously, on the same sets, and released at the same time. Included on the FRANKENSTEIN disc is the excellent 1999 documentary UNIVERSAL HORRORS, narrated by Kenneth Branagh. Taken together, these are wonderful sets; unnecessary, perhaps, but a fitting tribute to these classic films. But Universal wasn’t the only studio opening it’s vaults in 2006. From Warner Home Video came Hollywood’s Legends of Horror, a five-movie set featuring some of the best classic horror extant. Including gems from the golden age of Horror Films, such as DOCTOR X, MAD LOVE, and THE MASK OF FU MANCHU, this set fills some of the holes in many collections by providing the best of the Non-Universal horror of the 1930’s. Last year’s Movie of the Year, Peter Jackson’s KING KONG, had multiple DVD releases in 2006. The best of these was the recent 3-Disc Deluxe Extended Edition. While chock full of special features, something I found lacking in the original 2-Disc Collector’s Edition, the best part of this set is the 13 minutes of added footage in the film, as well as the nearly forty minutes of deleted scenes contained elsewhere in the set. Certainly the most eagerly awaited DVD release, at least by this Unimonster, was the Classic Media release of the original version of GOJIRA, the 1954 film that, two years later, was edited into GODZILLA, KING OF THE MONSTERS for US release. I’ve long dreamed of owning the original version of this classic, and now I have both, in one 2-Disc Collector’s Set.
But without a doubt, the DVD release of the year must be PLANET OF THE APES: The Ultimate DVD Collection—with Ape Head Packaging. When they say “Ultimate,” they aren’t exaggerating… this set must contain every minute of footage connected to the PLANET OF THE APES franchise. All the original films, the complete TV series, the complete animated series, the Burton remake, and every documentary, interview and behind the scenes clip imaginable. All of this terrific Apeness comes packed into a life-sized bust of Cornelius, complete with real hair. Fourteen separate DVDs, literally scores of hours of features… even at a list price of $180.00 how can you say no?
2. Best Idea for a Remake: THE HILLS HAVE EYES Normally, my general opinion is that no remake is a good remake. To take a film that succeeded and simply reshoot it seems to me the height of arrogance and laziness, and is almost universally doomed to failure. The exception to the above rule is, of course, remakes of films that, though based upon good premises, simply don’t work for one reason or another. One film that, despite being lauded as “groundbreaking” and “seminal,” and having tremendous success never impressed me very much is the original 1977 THE HILLS HAVE EYES. Wes Craven’s follow-up to his breakthrough LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, the original HILLS… was far more financially successful, though personally I always felt that it was a far weaker film in terms of gore, and story-wise it just didn’t make much sense. While the remake is hampered by what are essentially the same story problems, the gore level has been kicked upwards significantly, and let’s be honest, that’s what we want from films like this. The acting is very good, the effects take full advantage of the past thirty years worth of improvements, and what changes were made in the original story were for the better. Though THE HILLS HAVE EYES was by no means the only remake of the year, it was the only one worth consideration. Special mention should be made, however, of the Glen Morgan-helmed remake of Bob Clark’s classic bit of holiday gore, 1974’s BLACK CHRISTMAS. Though it didn’t hit theaters until very late in the year, (Christmas day, in fact…) early reviews indicated that it might just be a winner. However, as I write this I haven’t yet seen it, so I can’t venture an informed opinion.
3. Worst Idea for a Remake: a. THE OMEN b. THE WICKER MAN c. PULSE d. WHEN A STRANGER CALLS
If the pickings were slim for Best Idea for a remake, then the reverse must certainly be true for Worst Idea for a remake. Among this year's crop of redux de cinéma are four that truly stand out for the stink-fests that they are. The first of these was John Moore’s thoroughly needless, pointless exercise in wasting celluloid, THE OMEN. While the 1976 original has never been a personal favorite of mine, it was undoubtedly a superior film, one that has stood the test of time. Like all such films, it should have been safe from some hack with $25 million to spend and a total lack of imagination. Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s 2001 film KAÏRO is one of the most effective J-Horrors I’ve seen, one of the best examples of the new cutting edge in Horror. Very successful in its domestic release, the DVD sales here soon had Hollywood salivating at the thought of possible profit. Instead of letting common sense work for them, and just release an excellent film into American theaters, the Weinstein Co. and Dimension Films decided to commission a remake. This resulted in PULSE, directed by Jim Sonzero. Though not necessarily a bad movie, it simply isn’t needed, not with the far better original to view. One remake that did do justice to the original film was WHEN A STRANGER CALLS. Both movies are completely boring, weak-kneed rip-offs of John Carpenter’s classic HALLOWEEN. This was perhaps the one that disappointed me the most, as there was so much room for improvement in Fred Walton’s 1979 original. Instead, we get the same tired premise, hardly made fresh over the intervening years. The only significant gain was in the casting of someone more attractive than Carol Kane as the lead heroine Jill Johnson. But for my money, no remake in 2006 was more of an affront to my sensibilities than Neil LaBute’s bastardization of a true Horror classic, Robin Hardy’s 1973 version of the Anthony Shaffer novel THE WICKER MAN.
Hardy’s film was one of the best horror films of the 1970’s, and has been mentioned as one of the best British horrors ever. Christopher Lee, with no mean body of work with which to compare it, has long held his portrayal of Lord Summerlisle his best role in a 60-year career. What LaBute managed to accomplish… on a forty million dollar budget, no less… was to strip out everything that made the original such a tremendously good film and reduce the rest to its lowest common denominator. It’s the worst sort of remake, though one that does serve to highlight the inherent quality of the original film.
4. Best Prequel / Sequel: a. TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING b. SCARY MOVIE 4 c. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST d. SAW III e. UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION f. SUPERMAN RETURNS
The year that was, as usual, left us with a bumper crop of sequels and prequels, including a higher than average number of good ones. Though I generally find sequels to be better prospects for viewing than remakes, even I was surprised by the large number of winners in 2006’s harvest. The year got off to a good start with an excellent sequel to a ho-hum movie, Len Wiseman’s UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION. UNDERWORLD, this films 2003 predecessor, was a standard, lack-luster “vampires-with-guns” BLADE rip-off. I for one have never understood what vampires and werewolves needed with full-auto M4’s and MP-5’s, and I was really predisposed to dislike this sequel. Instead, Wiseman returned a little of the traditional mythos to the series; not much, I grant you, but enough to make this, if not Sequel of the year, then Most Improved franchise. Another franchise that looked to return to its roots was the Hewitt clan down in Texas, with TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING. Once again, R. Lee Ermey steals the show as we take a look at just how Leatherface got his start in the meat-cutting business. Though the plot was little more than a rehash (no pun intended…) of the first film, we got to see Ermey at his best as the sadistic, evil uncle of the deformed Thomas Hewitt. Not a great movie, perhaps, but one that delivers what was promised. Another film that delivered the goods in 2006 was David Zucker’s zany Horror Film spoof SCARY MOVIE 4. Zucker, creator of the AIRPLANE! and THE NAKED GUN franchises, has a gift for parody, and here he uses it to return the SCARY MOVIE franchise to peak form. The series lacks some of the edge it had under Keenan Ivory Wayans, but the humor is right on target, and the choice of movies to parody is perfect. One of the most anticipated films of the year was the one that had the longest gestation period, SUPERMAN RETURNS. At one time or another, it seemed as though nearly every director in Hollywood was attached to the project, and the search for someone fit to wear the cape appeared to include every male actor under the age of fifty. In the end, with Bryan Singer at the helm and Brandon Routh in the blue tights, we got a worthy successor to the Richard Donner / Christopher Reeve legacy.
2006 also saw the continuance of what has become a Halloween tradition, the release of the latest installment in the SAW franchise. Though SAW III didn’t quite live up to expectations, and was inferior to 2005’s SAW II, it’s still better than most of what was churned out last year. But only one sequel really surpassed its predecessor, both in terms of Box-Office and On-Screen punch, and that movie is PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST. Though lacking some of the humor of the first movie, and suffering at the end due to being so obviously part one of a two part story, Disney’s hearty band of brigands easily laid waste to the competition and captured Best Sequel of 2006
5. Worst Sequel: a. THE GRUDGE 2 b. FINAL DESTINATION 3 c. THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT 2 There certainly was no shortage of crappy movies this past year, and sequels, as always, accounted for a fair number of those. Three really stood out as true cinematic floaters, however, simply refusing to head down the drain.
FINAL DESTINATION was one of those movies that just catch fire, figuratively speaking. When it premiered, fans praised its originality, its execution, and the cleverness of the elaborate set-piece death scenes. FINAL DESTINATION 2 was little more than a do-over, though the Special Effects and the spectacular opening Highway sequence helped it to overcome a weak script and weaker acting. The third installment however, to quote one of my favorite War movies, was simply “…a bridge too far.” Tired plot, bad acting, and a general feeling that the filmmakers just didn’t care anymore provoked a somewhat similar attitude among fans, and the film died an ignominious death, hopefully taking the franchise with it. The original Japanese film JU-ON has gone through several incarnations, with a Made-for-TV Movie, sequel, prequel, and theatrical release, all done to varying degrees of success. The American remake, THE GRUDGE, was a lackluster “Buffy-ized” clone which, like Dolly the sheep, was rife with errors and imperfections. The principle of replicative fading holds true for this clone of a clone, as all of the aforementioned imperfections are compounded and magnified. The result is simply a film that shouldn’t have been made… it certainly isn’t worth watching.
But the Grand Prize for bad sequel has to go to THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT 2, a totally incoherent sequel to a completely incomprehensible original film. The first movie succeeded, despite the lack of a coherent plot, on the dubious strength of Ashton Kutcher’s star-power; the sequel decides to keep the same plot, only minus Kutcher’s alleged Box-Office cachet. When you can say that a movie would’ve been improved by the presence of Mr. Demi Moore, that’s a sad commentary indeed.
6. Best Indie (…we had to wait forever to see): FEAST
For fans of the cable series “Project: Greenlight”, the third season was by far the most interesting. The series, which focused on the inner workings of getting an independent film produced, from selecting a script to post-production, had in it’s first two seasons chosen to sponsor more artistic films. However, with the third season, they wanted a moneymaker, and they wanted a horror film. The director they selected was John Gulager, son of veteran character actor Clu Gulager; and the script they chose was FEAST.
The opportunity to watch every phase of this films development gave the viewer a unique attachment to it. Watching first-time director Gulager work was akin to viewing the news-reel footage of the Hindenburg disaster, as he fought with producers, casting directors, creature designers… indeed, virtually anyone who tried to inject some measure of reality into his insular world. The most notable confrontations occurred over casting choices. Gulager, whose previous experience consisted of short films he self-produced using friends and family, was quite astonished to learn that he wasn’t going to be allowed to cast those self-same friends and family members in a film with a $4 million dollar budget. Despite all these trials in getting the film made, (or perhaps because of them…) I was keen to actually see the final product. The much-publicized split between the Weinstein brothers and Dimension films left the project in limbo, however. After a year’s delay, the DVD release finally hit the shelves, and I was able to see this film with which I felt such an intimate connection. Needless to say my expectations were low for this one, but I was truly surprised. Despite all the problems, despite all the infighting, back-biting, and conflict, Gulager produced a very good, original film, one that I found thoroughly entertaining. While I doubt John Gulager’s name will have any Oscar buzz attached to it, he has turned out a great little movie; one that deserves to be on any monster-fans shelf.
7. Best Birthday: The Ackermonster’s 90^th One man, more than any other, has been responsible for the continuing love affair the American public has with the horror, science-fiction, and fantasy genres, and in November of 2006 he celebrated his 90^th birthday. Since being named editor of a new magazine entitled Famous Monsters of Filmland in 1958, Forrest J. Ackerman has inspired thousands of MonsterKids with his wit, his knowledge, his openness, and his unquestioned love of the genre. In return, fans the world over have loved him as they would a kindly old uncle, following his lead into countless worlds of the imagination. Thanks, Forry… and Happy Birthday.
8. Best TV Series: a. THE MASTERS OF HORROR b. THE VENTURE BROS.—(TIE) c. GHOST HUNTERS d. MEDIUM—(TIE) e. THE GHOST WHISPERER
Horror, the paranormal, ghosts… the genre was hot on television in 2006. Virtually every segment—Broadcast, Basic Cable, and Premium Cable had original programming devoted to the genre, and several of these became “must-see” TV in the Unimonster’s household. That’s not counting the various all-horror networks that have sprung up on the different satellite systems… Unimonster hasn’t quite moved that far into the 21^st Century yet. The SciFi Channel, predictably, led the way with several notable series, including my personal favorite of their line-up, Ghost Hunters. The reality show follows the activities of The Atlantic Paranormal Society (or TAPS…) as it investigates hauntings and paranormal activity throughout the Northeast and New England states. Though the interplay between the two lead investigators, Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson (who are plumbers during the day…) can be rather annoying at times, when the show focuses in on the actual investigations, it can’t be beat. Over on Showtime, one of the best ideas in a long time has firmly taken root, as various genre directors are given a short horror script to direct for the aptly-named series The Masters of Horror. Featuring the work of such icons as John Carpenter, George Romero, Dario Argento, and Takashi Miike, this should’ve been, hands down, the best horror series of the year. There are two reasons it’s not. First, if you don’t have the Showtime Premium service, you don’t get the series… and I don’t. This means hunting down the DVD’s; which, thankfully, were released in a very timely manner. The second reason the series didn’t fare well with me is simple… far too often, it’s been little more than a political soap-box for the director in question. Some political or social subtext is inevitable, and I can accept that. What I can’t accept is getting hit in the face with a director’s political views thinly disguised as a Horror Film, such as Joe Dante’s segment, HOMECOMING. I don’t know about you, but I watch Horror to be entertained, not to have a political diatribe spewed at me… especially a view opposing my own. CBS’s entry into the genre list is The Ghost Whisperer, starring Horror Film veteran and confirmed hottie Jennifer Love Hewitt. Though not as edgy or as well-written as NBC’s Medium, it’s still a well-done, entertaining program that deserves a larger audience. Still, as I just noted, it’s not nearly as good as Medium, starring Patricia Arquette, Miguel Sandoval, and Jake Weber.
Created by Glen Gordon Caron, and based upon the experiences of the real Allison Dubois, (who’s credited as Technical Advisor to the series…) Medium is the story of a woman gifted with the ability to communicate with the dead, an ability she uses as a consultant to the Phoenix, Arizona District Attorney. The strength of the show is in the writing, and that’s at its best in the wonderful characters that comprise the ensemble. Allison and her husband Joe (played perfectly by Arquette and Weber…) are real people, with real problems. Their characters are layered and complex, and very few things are simple in their world. But that’s why we care… because there are few simple things in our worlds as well.
Tied with Medium for the Best TV show of the year was an animated series that couldn’t be more different if it tried… Adult Swim’s The Venture Bros. Quite simply the funniest, most sarcastic program running, how can you not love a series that, in a manner both intelligent and irreverent, manages to reference: Frankenstein; Scooby-Doo; Nietzsche; and the woman who shot Andy Warhol… all in the same episode!? The maniac brainchild of Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer—aka Chris McCulloch and Eric Hammer, this bizarre send-up of Johnny Quest must be seen to be believed. The show is populated by a cast of characters that grows weirder as the series progresses, including Dr. Rusty Venture, the balding, middle-aged failure of a scientist who, thirty years before, was a famous boy adventurer; his “Swedish Murder-Machine” bodyguard, Brock Sampson; and the twin sons of the scientist, Hank and Dean Venture. Only, the boys are actually clones… since they are somewhat “death-prone,” Dr. Venture considers it prudent to always have spares lying about. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a series that was consistently as well-executed as The Venture Bros., nor one that is as consistently funny. Through two seasons and 26 episodes, the series has continually improved itself, remaining fresh and surprising. The recent two-part season 2 finale was the perfect example of this, revealing new characters and plot-points while setting the fans up for a hoped-for season 3. I, for one, am one of these hopeful fans. Go Team Venture!
9. Best Book: Famous Monster Movie Art of Basil Gogos I tend to not get a lot of horror books, for several reasons. I don’t like to read horror fiction because I write horror fiction; the history of horror books that I do enjoy are very expensive; and I have most of the horror movie guides that are priced in my range. But there was one book that came out this year that just had to be on my shelf… the Famous Monster Movie Art of Basil Gogos. Gogos, the Greek-born artist whose cover paintings defined the look of Forry Ackerman’s Famous Monster magazine in the 1960’s, has been a prolific magazine illustrator for nearly 60 years now, and a significant portion of those illustrations are contained in this book, including every cover he did for FM.
To describe this book as beautiful is a huge understatement… to a fan of Gogos’ art, this book is simply, incredibly, gorgeous. The breadth of his work is represented, from his earliest illustrations done for the covers of Western novels, through his days working for various men’s magazines, to his current work. But the focus is his Horror work, and it must been seen to be appreciated. The cost isn’t inconsequential, but believe me, it’s worth it. I’m reminded of that every time I look at mine.
10. Best Genre Trends: a. Classic Horror Released to DVD b. High-Quality Imports c. The Growth of Horror Fandom d. The Birth of Satellite Horror Networks
If 2006 was any indication, we’ll soon have access to virtually every genre film ever made on DVD. Ok, that might be an exaggeration, but there’s no denying that Classic Horror is hot, as demonstrated by multiple DVD releases brought to us by companies like Universal, Warner, Classic Media, and Blue Underground. Two separate Boris Karloff collections, several Euro-Horror classics, three different early Goji-movies… fans of classic horror, most assuredly including ye olde Unimonster, have reveled in the wealth of treasures spilling from studio vaults of late. For those fans not into the classics, the best thing that happened last year had to be the increasing attention American audiences are paying to foreign-born Horror Films. At least one of my nominees for Movie of the Year is foreign, and that one is the best pure monster-movie of the year; what’s more striking is that two of the three American nominees are more from the Science-Fiction and Fantasy realms, rather than Horror. I can’t believe that American filmmakers have forgotten how to make decent Horror Films… but they certainly aren’t demonstrating it lately. Another bright spot for genre fans is that at least one of the long promised Horror networks is on its feet and running… Monsters HD, part of the VOOM package on Dish Network, televises a fairly broad library of movies, everything from the Universal classics to the most recent Freddy and Jason flicks. Sure, they’re only seen in about ½ of 1% of US households… but it’s a start, right? However, none of these trends would be taking place if there weren’t a demand for them, and we can owe that to the incredible growth in Horror and Genre Fandom over the last decade. Conventions, magazines, websites, toy and collectible manufacturers… an entire industry has developed to cater to the wants and desires of Genre fans, and personally… I like being catered to.
11. Worst Genre Trends: a. Remakes, Rip-offs, and Sequels… b. CGI c. M. Night Shyamalan d. Mega-Budget Horror
As Isaac Newton once said, “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.” He also claimed his proudest accomplishment was that he would die a virgin. Ok, so genius can be nutty… but the guy did know physics (he had to have something to occupy his time…) and going by his laws, it’s no surprise that there were plenty of bad trends to balance out the good. One of the most egregious of these trends, and one that only shows signs of getting worse, is the increasing use of CGI, or Computer Generated Images, in film production. Now, on its own, there’s not a thing wrong with CGI… it’s a tool, like any other process available to the filmmaker. Unfortunately, like any tool, it’s only as good as the craftsman who wields it; and, also like any tool, it can be abused. Good CGI—Star Wars or LOTR-quality CGI, blends so smoothly with the actors and the real-world elements of a shot as to be indistinguishable. Bad CGI, like that so prominently displayed on the F-grade programmers that fill the SciFi Channel’s weekend line-up, stands out like a tall striped hat on the Mona Lisa. Unfortunately, as is true of most things… there’s far more bad than good. Eight years ago, M. Night Shyamalan burst onto the Horror scene with what might be the best ghost film ever, THE SIXTH SENSE. Since then, he has produced four films, each more disappointing than the last. The latest in this chain is LADY IN THE WATER, an incomprehensible though stylish thriller starring Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard. As has become Shyamalan’s trademark, it does have the requisite surprise twist ending… which, since everyone knows it’s coming, isn’t much of a surprise. Don’t misunderstand me… I am a fan of Shyamalan’s, and I want to see good films from him. But it’s getting more and more difficult to believe that he has another good film in him. The further removed we get from THE SIXTH SENSE, the more it appears he may be a one-trick pony. Part of the difficulty may lie in the enormous budgets that genre films are now given by studios. Films costing $25-50 million are the norm now, and budgets breaking the $100 million barrier aren’t unusual. If the studios were getting quality for their money, then so be it. Instead, they’re spending $25 million for movies such as THE WICKER MAN and WHEN A STRANGER CALLS. Now, I’m someone who can appreciate both Salisbury Steak and Filet Mignon… but don’t charge me for Filet and dish up Salisbury. But by far the worst trend this past year, as it is most years, is the continuing lack of originality in Hollywood. If the major studios aren’t in the process of remaking a film then they’re busy shooting its 12th needless sequel, and the minor players are too busy ripping off the one original idea that was born in the past three years to care. Case in point: HOSTEL and TURISTAS. Eli Roth’s HOSTEL is a coarse, insulting, mind-numbingly boring piece of dreck… but it is an original coarse, insulting, mind-numbingly boring piece of dreck. Roth, who last offended sensibilities with 2002’s CABIN FEVER, certainly has an imagination… sick, twisted and misogynistic though it may be. There is none of that originality present in TURISTAS, directed by John Stockwell. Though the story really has little similarity to HOSTEL, the trailers were designed to give that impression, and the general theme of the film is close, with tourists being the victims of murder-for-cash schemes. On its own, TURISTAS just isn’t very good; in comparison to the Roth film, it comes of as a pale, poorly-rendered imitation, and leaves the viewer wondering, “Why couldn’t they have ripped off a GOOD movie?” Such is the question I have for Hollywood in general, as it rushes to abandon any pretext of originality.
12. Crapfest of the Year: a. TURISTAS b. SNAKES ON A PLANE c. FINAL DESTINATION 3 d. STAY ALIVE e. SEE NO EVIL f. THE WICKER MAN
As fans of the Discovery Channel series Dirty Jobs no doubt are aware, no matter when, no matter where, there’s never any shortage of poo. Such was certainly the case in 2006, as stinker after stinker floated to the top of the bowl. As discussed earlier, TURISTAS did nothing to differentiate itself from the similarly-themed HOSTEL, other than make the latter movie look good in comparison. That alone is enough to make it a candidate for this year’s Golden Turd award. Not enough, though, to guarantee a win, not against this competition. First it was videotapes and telephones, then websites, then cell phones and computers, and now videogames are out for blood. At least, that’s the alleged premise behind STAY ALIVE, the William Brent Bell-helmed technology-is-the-enemy so-called thriller that stunk up theaters nationwide. At least the others could claim to be based on genuinely good movies; this one was just a cheap knock-off, like the twenty-dollar “Rõlëcks” watch your buddy bought on-line. Speaking of cheap knock-offs… it’s not often you can watch a sequel to a very successful franchise and get the impression that it’s ripping itself off. Such was the case with FINAL DESTINATION 3. Though this wasn’t, by its own merits, a bad movie, it did absolutely nothing to advance what had been a very good film series. Though the second installment hadn’t quite measured up to the first, it was still a good movie, one that expanded upon the original. Number three does nothing of the sort… the death scenes are far too contrived, with a Rube Goldberg-ian design that’s simply unbelievable; the acting is amateurish, even by today’s lax standards; and there’s zero character development. You simply do not care what happens to these people.
But if you don’t care what happens to the cast of FINAL DESTINATION 3, then you’re stuck with rooting for the reptiles (the actual ones, not the actors…) in the aptly-named SNAKES ON A PLANE. The benefactor of the greatest hype blitz since THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT was touted as the scariest sight since the first Neanderthal awoke to find himself face to face with a hungry cave bear, SNAKES… at least delivered what it promised. It’s just a shame that it didn’t promise a halfway-decent movie.
Contrary to what many might think, the good, old-fashioned slasher film is not dead yet. It may be dying, though, after the reeking pile that was SEE NO EVIL. I would describe its plot… if it had one. Well, that’s not entirely accurate—it does have a plot. It has virtually the same plot as 95% of the movies produced between 1980 and 1989. Maniac hides in old building; group of teen-agers invade said building, commence partying; maniac takes offense; maniac hacks way through teen-agers, using weapon of choice. This steaming heap is the product of Gregory Dark, who gave up directing porn as one-half of the well-known Dark Brothers team to go legit. He should go back to porn; at least he was good at that. But nothing so offended my sense of propriety as the wretched excuse for a remake of THE WICKER MAN. I’ve already discussed to some degree my feelings about this celluloid abomination, so forgive me if I have more spleen to vent. Nicholas Cage, who is capable of turning in great performances, (RAISING ARIZONA, 8MM…) is horribly miscast in the role so perfectly captured by Edward Woodward in the 1973 original, and Ellen Burstyn is hopeless trying to fill the shoes first worn by Horror Icon Christopher Lee. The whole production is a mistake from beginning to end, and only serves to make the viewer appreciate the original for the true classic that it is.
13. Movie of the Year: a. DESCENT b. SUPERMAN RETURNS c. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST d. SAW III
On the whole, 2006 was not a great year for Genre films, though the overall Box-Office would lead you to believe otherwise. With several Genre films easily clearing the $150 million mark, the numbers look good… it’s the quality that suffered. The best pure horror film of the year was a Brit import from Neil Marshall, the same director that gave us the brilliant DOG SOLDIERS. DESCENT, about a group of young women encountering mysterious creatures on a spelunking trip, is an old-school monster movie, one that stays true to its Horror lineage. Though the ending was softened somewhat for US audiences, the original European cut is on the DVD, and is much more effective. Also, for the third year in a row, the SAW franchise dominated theaters in October, with SAW III. Not as well done as its predecessors, it nevertheless is superior to most of the competition out there, at least in mainstream Horror. Though they’re certainly not for general audiences, the level of blood and gore in these films is somewhat overstated. They are far from the worst that I’ve seen, and don’t come near the truly sick movies such as NECROMANTIK or the Japanese GUINEA PIG series of films. And in terms of quality, they do manage to rise above the standard for serial killer/slasher movies. One thing that 2006 will be remembered for is the return of Superman… and I’m not referring to just the movie SUPERMAN RETURNS. The last son of Krypton was hot last year, with the premiere of the aforementioned Bryan Singer movie; the film HOLLYWOODLAND, which starred Ben Affleck as George Reeves, TV’s Man of Steel, and examined his death under suspicious circumstances; the release of the Superman TV series on DVD; even postage stamps commemorated the world’s most famous Superhero. The focus of all the attention, however, was the superb SUPERMAN RETURNS, which was a fitting successor to the Christopher Reeve Superman films. At first glance, Brandon Routh appears both too young and too thin to be a credible Superman, but he imbues the role with a humanity and believability that was often lacking in Reeve’s portrayal. Reeve played the Man of Steel as an Olympian god… as an Apollo or Mercury. Routh’s Superman, despite the admonition present in the voice of Jor-El (Marlon Brando, in audio recorded for the first film in 1978…) echoing in his head, is human… with human flaws and faults, including jealousy. This makes the character all the more real, and makes this the best Superman yet. But my choice for Movie of the Year has to be PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST. You simply must pay attention to any movie that breaks the $300 million mark in as short a time as this film did; besides, it’s a great, fun movie. I’m still not a fan of Johnny Depp, but it’s hard to deny he’s a very talented actor, and Captain Jack Sparrow just might be his best role ever. While not quite as good as the first film, and despite the fact that it suffers somewhat from being so obviously the first half of a two-parter, it’s still the most entertaining film I saw last year… and that’s good enough to make it Movie of the Year.
So there it is… 2006, warts, freckles and all. On the balance, it was a decent year… not great, but not the worst in memory, either. What does 2007 hold in store? Here are two predictions… There will be a remake that infuriates me, (the smart money’s on the long-rumored HALLOWEEN redux…) and there will be a bottle of 18 year-old Laphroaig to help me get over it.